Finding the Ground

My whole life has been spent escaping, mentally checking out.  Outwardly everything is always on the up and up, my mom taught me that skill.  She struggled her whole life with bipolar disorder, and depression.  At one point she checked herself into a mental health hospital, because she knew she was sick and needed help.  I only have blurry memories of that, but regardless, she fought a silent fight for the majority of her life, because of the fear of people's judgment.  I'm tearing up just thinking of the mental anguish she put on herself, hiding from people because, "they wouldn't like her if they knew the truth."  I was my mother's secret keeper.

I was her secret keeper before I was born.  I, in someways, was the only person alive who felt her pain of my brother's death.  I was there, a part of her, taking up residence in her belly.  I don't in anyway claim to really know her pain, but it connected us.  Pain connected us, during on of Mum's highs, she told me that she never wanted a girl, and she never wanted a red head.  Ha, that's an awesome cosmic joke!  I'm not sure we ever really found a way to resolve our differences while she was alive.  I spent my childhood trying to escape the pain of being an only child, of trying to be the two children my parents had, while only being one.  And I've spent my entire "adulthood" trying to teach myself that I am enough.  It just dawned on me that I have survivor's guilt.

Daydreaming has always been my saving grace.  I can imagine I'm anywhere but here.  I don't have to be Gabe and Tabitha.  I can be a ballerina, I can be a ninja, I can be a queen, I can be a warrior.  I can be anything...anything except for who I am right here, right now.  Mentally escaping hasn't produced a damn thing in my life, but the need for more escape.

Movement.  Physical movement has been my salvation.  Every time I slip into not wanting to be here,  I move my body.  Dance was my medicine when I was younger.  Lifting weights give me that now.  I feel so strong physically that I pull on that strength mentally.  If I can lift this weight I can do anything.  I can move fucking mountains!  Helping people move their body, helps them move their emotions, helps them let go of the past and focus on their future.  It helps them find their ground.  That's why I'm a massage therapist, that's why I lift, and that's why I teach.  That's my mission in life to move everyBODY, so that we all rise to meet our fullest potential!

EDIT:  After writing this I jumped into the shower and a thought popped into my head.  I'd like to say this was a thought of my own, but the wisdom of makes me feel it was other worldly.
"The pain you feel today, is the strength you provide to someone tomorrow.  Let your pain be your light."